If you see me waver, just give me a shove

My friend Sarah and I were having an interesting conversation yesterday and as we were texting I realized it’s a topic I wanted to write about. Actually, I might have alittle bit in a previous post but my mushy pea brain can’t remember.

She asked me what characteristics I look for in a significant other so I started to think about it. I’m pretty picky and I guess that is why I don’t have much of a love life. I mean sure, I have flirty friendships or people who text me now and then but nothing that goes beyond that. My answer to her question was first and foremost funny, successful in life, a big heart, humble, strong work ethic, adventurous, passionate, someone with a backbone who isn’t afraid to stand up for what they believe in or those they care about. Someone whos been through life and overcame. Someone I can relate to and understands me.

It’s hard for me to find all of those qualities and I refuse to settle for anything less. I don’t really understand why everyone thinks its a race to find love, as if they’re afraid to be alone.
People seem to rush relationships because they like the idea of being in one. They conjure up this idea convincing themselves that their partner is everything they want but in the end theyre stuck being unhappy with heartache. I’ve done it.

My mindset is that everything ends, everything. Everything is temporary. I take it all for what it is, live in the moment, enjoy it, soak it in and then keep moving. No emotional attachment. People are scared of not having commitment or emotional attachment. Theyre scared of infidelities. Imagine a love without attachment. No pressure. Where you connect so deeply with someone that titles and commitments are so insignifcant. There are no restraints, no worries. Just so present in the moment and in the time you have together.

To me, attachment is losing all of your independence. It’s focusing all your attention and energy on the object of your love. You eventually lose your confidence and self-worth. You grow doubt, and shit falls apart. Attachment is a replacement for love. It’s controlling and requires a structure. It’s not free. Love is free, like wild horses. I don’t reckon I’ve ever been in love. I have loved, but with harsh attachment. We were together for 7 years and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without him.

With that being said, forced attachment can really push me away.

Soulmates- I think they exist, but I don’t believe we all have just one. There are billions of people in this world and I bet there are many that I could probably live a happy life with. When Im with someone I know that as much as they may care about me, there is someone out there who they could probably love more. Throughout life we meet people. Some who come and go, some may stay awhile, some who want us, some who we dont want, but they were/are there for a reason. Embrace those feelings and move on with it.

Okay- so I can be somewhat cynical. This doesn’t mean Im not open to the idea of being IN love, I just don’t like everyone elses idea of love. I do believe you can still be commited to someone without attachment as long as you’re on the same page with the person. My thing is I just can’t waste my time or anyone elses.

I can’t compromise my wants/views/needs.

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A lot of times I feel the urgency to write about something from my childhood but I hesitate on it until the feeling subsides. Mostly because I feel a sense of loyalty to my mom. I try to tread lightly when bringing up the past so people won’t judge her for some of the shit that happened. The last week I’ve had a lot on my mind and anyone who talks to me on a daily basis knows it’s been tough.
I think Chester commiting suicide brought on a lot of emotions that I struggle to keep in a lock box somewhere in the back of my head.
Ive tried to keep my emotions to myself and not be dramatic, as I didn’t know Chester personally, but something really struck a chord.

Suicide has and always be something I hold on a very personal level and heres why;

When I was young, my mom drove into a church parking lot and shot herself in the chest. She missed her heart barely. That was the first of many suicide attempts.

By the time I was 15 life had taken us down a dirt road that felt like a dead end. I remember feeling so hopeless that I just decided I didn’t want to live anymore. I don’t remember it being a long discussion with myself. To me, back then, suicide was just a normal thing. I had saw my mom try and do it so many times that it was just another decision like going to school, or anything else. I went into my moms medicine bag, took out her bottle of valiums and ate them. I couldn’t swallow pills back then so I chewed them with popsicles. (not sure how I thought that one up) As I fell asleep I literally remember thinking to myself “okay, this is it” Thank the universe it wasn’t. I was told when I was found there were popsicle sticks stuck to me. Ill get more into all of that one day in my book.

Fast forward to 2010 I get the news at work that my dear friend who was like a brother to me and also my roommate, was in the hospital. He drove his truck out to a remote road and shot himself in the head. Luckily, he also lived. Now this is a guy who I never ever once even suspected suffered depression or suicidal thoughts.

Fast forward to 2015, my uncle, my moms brother commits suicide.

Fast forward again to 2016, the man my mother claims could be my biological father commits suicide by hanging.

Over the past week theres been something weighing on my mind and heart, something that happened to me when I was probably 10 that Id like to share.
Now as I mentioned before my mom made many suicide attempts but one really sticks out, one was excessively damaging to me.

If youve read previous entries of mine you’re somewhat familiar with my childhood and that my mom suffers from Multiple Sclerosis, on top of being bi-polar and many other issues. She was addicted heavily to prescribed narcotics majority of my childhood which were brought on after major back surgeries and then being diagnosed with MS. That is what made things so difficult, thats what changed the course of my childhood. Mom was very depressed all of the time. She was always in pain and just laid in a hospital bed in her room 24/7. Literally. Unless she had a doctors appointment that day she didn’t leave the house. Mom was very manic and up and down and if she would run out of her meds early that month we were prepared for hell. We were very aware at a young age that she didn’t want to live. She was miserable all the time.

There was this particular night that really stands out. As I said earlier I was probably 10 or so and my mom called my sister, brother and myself to come into her room. She told us that it was the last time we were gonna see her that she was going to take all of her medications and go to sleep because she just couldn’t take it anymore. I remember her words. “we were all better off without her and it was the selfless thing to do” None of us knew what to do, but it felt so normal to us. The three of us sat there and cried. We didn’t have anyone else, nobody to call. I ran to my room and shut my door. I started writing, I wrote my mom a letter, I remember being hysterical and my tears falling on the paper, blurring the ink as I wrote. I don’t know word for word what I said, but I do remember telling her that I was tired of seeing her cry and tired of her being sad and miserable. I told her that I would be okay if she needed to go, that I would be okay. Now, as an adult thinking back on that, a tear streaming down my face, wondering how in the fuck that scenario could even be real. Who puts that weight on their kids? That letter stopped my mom from trying to kill herself that night. But years later during a fight we had (prob pre-teen yrs) she actually threw that up to me. Told me that she couldn’t believe I was going to just let her do it and that I didn’t even want her around…. That is something I will forever carry with me.

I brought that up to my mom for the first time a few months ago. She had no recollection. She says she hates herself for what she did. She holds a lot of guilt for those years, as she should. But I do know that regardless she always loved us more than anything, except maybe the addiction.

Also, I just want to note that my mom is my bestfriend and honestly she always was. Aside from the shitty times we had alot of good ones and I was a huge mama’s girl. I loved her more than anything which is why I felt/feel a huge loyalty to her. When my brother and sister left I stayed. I could have moved to FL with my dad, not had to worry about taking care of her, or whether we would have power that month, or food. I could have never left her. I understood she was sick both mentally and physically. I understood she was fighting the depression battle on top of an addiction battle.

That one particular story from my childhood has been bothering all week. I’m not sure why but I felt compelled to share it.

❤ Cheers

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Try to catch the sun.

I haven’t written in awhile and I’m sorry for that. I could say it’s because I’ve been too busy but honestly I just haven’t felt inspired to write until today.
Not really sure why I’m feeling this, this burst of emotional energy. Especially since I’ve been in a very weird emotional state. Right now I’m feeling this high vibrancy, but I’ll take feeling this over feeling nothing at all. Usually when I write I know the topic or basis of what I am writing, but not tonight. It’s 2:43 am and I just want to put my feelings on paper. Fuck man, it’s so insane what a roller coaster life is. All of us have ups and downs, some are higher and some are lower than others but essentially we are all on this, or in this together.

As I sit here and think about life and people and the few that I have in mine it makes me think how drawn I am to those who have overcame hardships. I mean, people who really know life, who really know obstacles and suffering. Those strong ones with scars and stories to tell. Those who have cried and fucked up. Those who have made mistakes, came from broken homes, dealth with depression or suicide, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse. Those who aren’t perfect. Those who decided the cycle would end with them. Those like me. Those are my fucking people.

A few months back when I was out with Fozzy we had a gig in Pittsburgh. I seldomly have time on tour to fuck off in the cities but I just so happened to have an hour or so to myself, I took off to explore alittle bit.
At that point, I didn’t realize how rewarding that day would be.

First I met a charming young lad who went by the name of Dog. Dog was sitting on the side walk selling his mixed tape which in reality was an old JLO cd. He was a really funny clever dude. I ended up talkin to him for awhile, purchased his mix tape, bought him lunch and was on my way. As I was returning back to the bus I noticed a lady and her pup sitting outside the bus on the sidewalk. I immediately went inside the little grocery mart and grabbed her pup some dog food and asked her if I could buy her lunch. She accepted so I went to a pizza place right next door and bought her a pizza and some dessert. The pizza had a 15 minute wait so I went back outside to chat with her for a bit. I sat on the ground next to her so we could be at same eye level. At first I just asked her name and where she was from. We talked about the pup and how she hadn’t had him long and about her abusive boyfriend who expected her to be out in the street panhandling while he slept. I really wanted to know about this lady who was not much older than me, but looked like she was in her late 40’s. How did life bring her here to this point? What all had she seen or done? I could have very easily ended up in her situation, how come I didn’t? Turns out, Shelly had been homeless since 8 years old. She was part of an underground child sex worker ring and was placed in an abusive foster home. She showed me the burn marks all over her arms from the cigarettes that were put out on her. She ran away from her foster home at 13 and quickly began to prostitute. I told her alittle bit about me, my childhood and shit I’ve went through. I wanted her to know I can relate to her on some sort of level. This woman was worn out and beat down but she had her senses about her. I wanted to shield her from all the hurt and pain she had ever felt. I wanted to pick up the pieces of whatever was left of her and put them back together. I wanted to tell that little girl that she was going to be okay, but I couldn’t. I cried, she cried. At this point I was sitting on the ground with her, I was still in the clothes I slept in because I hadn’t even loaded in yet, and I had no makeup on, the public around us assumed that I was homeless too, making me feel less of a human with their eyes. Her clothes were filthy so I walked over to the bus to get my suitcase out of the bay so that I could give her a couple of clean shirts. I was approached by a man who saw me next to her, he made a rude comment implying I was stealing and told me to get a job. Boy did I get an apology from him.
After that I walked over to grab her pizza and decided to go back into the grocery mart to get her a few things to take with her. Apparently the clerk was outside smoking and overheard my conversation with the man and told me I had inspired him. What a fucking feeling that was. Thats what life is about, inspiring and helping other people. At that point I had to get back to work so I dropped everything off to her and said my goodbyes. As I was leaving she said “Thank you for this. I haven’t felt like a human, like a real person in so long, thank you for treating me like one” I could not hold back the tears.
I wonder about her often and I hope wherever she is she is safe and her stomach is full.

Later on after I loaded into the venue I walked to the bus and noticed that outside the grocery store there was a box of food that the store clerk I had talked to earlier put out for the homeless to take. I was so fucking happy seeing that. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO BE. ASPIRE TO INSPIRE.
My heart was so full.

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Standing still pt.1

At first I didn’t want it. Or atleast thats what I told myself. Then, then I fought it. I mean, I leave little to no room for my guard to come down.
I tried to play it cool, keep it under the radar, but you’ve made it hard.
I slowly but rapidly looked forward to seeing your smile, hearing your voice, making you laugh.
With me it’s always been about the little things and with you, it’s never been more clear.

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“The one who got away” We all have one, I think.

“Put on corpse paint & burn down some churches”

“The one who got away” We all have one, I think.
Can you have one if technically the person was never truly yours? I’m gonna go with yes.

This isn’t your typical love story, in fact it wasn’t even until after the story ended that we even met. When I say love story I say it very lightly. I was not in love, in fact it takes a lot to win this heart of steel over, the L word is not thrown around too often with me. I’ve never even been the first to say or initiate it. But, I was definitely very charmed and intrigued by this human being.

So it began when I got a DM (I know, I know) towards the end of 2015. Typical 2015 dating, right? Well at the time I didn’t respond to it because I was in a relationship. Now, I was familiar with who this guy was. He is the vocalist for a band I had listened to for years and we also have alot of mutual friends from when I was working in the music industry. If I’m being honest my complete thought was DOUCHE BAG. Because I was so over getting hit on in DM’s, especially by a popular musician. A hopeless romantic. Someone who could have his pick. It was simple ya know, just your typical being asked out on a date. I believe it went something like “If you’re in the area lets put on some corpse paint and burn down some churches. OR get coffee. whatever” hahah Kinda seemed like Prince Charming to meeee.
After no response from me he then followed that message up with an apology and if I was seeing someone to disregard his message.

At the time I was in a relationship and I felt like it was going nowhere. I was afforded an opportunity to spend some time with that person, who I wasn’t able to spend an ample amount of time with prior due to busy schedules. During that time I felt physically and mentally bent. I was spending most of my time tending to him during a serious injury/surgery. I felt under appreciated for everything I was doing and was made to feel very inadequate at what was already a very sensitive time in my life. I spent 3-4 weeks out of state during his surgery and then continued to help take care of him in his state where he lived, which was about 8 hours from where I was currently living. Even though he wanted me to stay there I could not do so without making MY OWN income, I was never ok with living off of someone else and it wasn’t going to start then. Id go back home where I lived to work a week and then go visit him for weeks at a time. Luckily my boss understood and was wonderful with letting me make my own schedule that allowed me to come & go. Eventually the whole relationship took its toll. Personality traits that I hadn’t seen before were starting to show. Lies were being told. I felt like I was just too unhappy to deal with the stress of the relationship, that it wasn’t worth it. And I felt like had he been happy himself, it probably wouldnt have gotten to where it did. So I, yes, I, called it quits. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t sad or tore up about it because I was. We had been through alot and accepting failure after all the heartbreak it caused was very hard. But at the same time I knew we were not right for each other, we were just two completely diff humans with some of the same interests. He and I are cool.

ANYWAYS, with that being said; you needed a back story on where I was emotionally.
Fast forward post break up.
I was laying in bed alittle sad and lonely when I remembered that DM I had gotten months earlier. He had left his number so I decieded to text him just to fuck with him.
After I was done having my fun I told him who it was and from then on we chatted day in and day out. From goodmorning texts to goodnight ones.
I had never met (even though at the time we hadn’t met) anyone like him. He was mature and open with his feelings. Real & raw. Funny, charming and witty. So passionate. He had a way with his words. He’s older than me, probably why he was so up front with his feelings. He made me feel more than enough after just getting out of a relationship that made me feel like I was never good enough. It was proper timing that he came in my life when he did. He was such a gentleman at all times. Never once saying something out of line, or inappropriate. He was so fucking thoughtful. Sent me carepackages with little trinkets in them, post cards, just sweet sweet gestures. I remember the first time he called me. If you know me, you know I don’t like talking on the phone. I was so nervous to answer, so I had to gain the nerve and call him back. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was stuck in traffic. After that time it was much easier. Conversation was easy with him. One time we talked on the phone for hours while I sat on the kitchen counter so I wouldn’t wake up my roommate. A night we shared our passions and demons. He wanted to get to know the real me, he didn’t believe any internet bullshit. Our connection seemed to be on such an otherworldly level. I felt so connected to him. You could feel the electriity, the energy, vibrations through our conversations. Unbelieavle.

He wanted me to fly out so we could meet, see if the chemistry was real and in person. I was very reluctant on it because I felt I hadn’t been out of my past relationship long enough and he respected that and didn’t press the matter. Made it clear whenever I was ready to visit, he was ready for me.
I don’t think he really knows how enamored I was with him, even to this day. I downplay those types of situations to avoid being hurt. I wasn’t fully open with him. My guard was up. It felt too good to be true.

Alot of our time talked was spent with him in the studio. He was in the middle of writing a new record for a band he had recently joined. This was a huge milestone for him and a very exciting time as this band was huge. I was getting sneak peeks. A glimpse into this new album which was really cool. It made me feel good he was so open with letting me in on such an important part of his life. Every morning he would get coffee and head to the studio and I knew around what time to expect his text. Or a photo of the beautiful yard he would spend his studio breaks in. I knew his daily routine and he knew mine. If he were stressed or over worked I knew it because I was his outlet. He told me he had a good feeling about me and I felt the exact same thing about him.

He told me I was his muse. His writing inspiration for this important upcoming album.

Time went on with us getting as close as we could via Iphones.
He felt like a best friend & a future lover. A romance so pure.

We said goodnight as we always did.

The next morning I wake up and head to spend the day with some friends. I found it odd that I hadn’t heard from him all day but just figured it was because he had a long important day at the studio ahead of him. I mean, it never stopped him before, so I kinda knew something was up. That evening I texted him and didn’t hear back until late that night.

My heart sank with every fucking word I was reading.
How is this bullshit that wrecked my life biting me in the ass once again and my personal life at that? Nothing was on my mind other than heartache and doom. I felt fucking doomed.

I am a numb person. It takes quite a human to interest or intrigue me. Yet here I was feeling the end of something that never even had a chance to begin. I think that was the hardest part, not ever being able to try. Left alone to wonder.

So you know how I told you this person had recently joined a band? Well a very well known band who was in the process of making a very important come back album.
A band that has a very intense management. PR team. The wole nine yeards.

I bet you’re wondering where I am going with that, or what was in the text, what made my heart sank, or maybe you have an idea.

I had gotten a cowardly text. Not even a phone call. A text. A very long, endearing one, but still a text.
Apparently some important people were at the studio that day we will just call them higher ups. PR. He told me that he had not been shy gloating about his new romance in the studio and upon an interview with someone was mentioning me as his muse. When asked if I were his girlfriend he said “no but she will be”
Being in a high profile band, making a high profile album, it all peaked the curiosity of his management and PR team. And ended any hopes of what we might could be. Yep, his team did some social media digging and felt like continuing anything with me would be road they would not want him to go down. He was basically encouraged to end things with me for pr and media purposes. While an ultimatum wasn’t given to him he ultimately wanted to make his team happy. Now, from a sad girl perspective I was angry and heart broken but at the same time I understood completely. This opportunity he had was so beyond me. I would have never ever wanted to cause him issues and if anything with me could jeopardize that, I don’t blame him. He had worked his entire life writing records and playing music and now he really, really had this shot at the big leagues. Who am I to be upset or mad at that. I remember the text him telling me he felt like a sell out and a coward for letting other people dictate his feelings and life like that. In a way maybe he is, but I can’t say that I blame him one bit. I bowed out gracefully and wished him the best.

It was hard telling my friends, the few people who knew he and I had a thing. I was embarassed, mortified, sad. How do you explain all of that to someone? and multiple times?!

Now, thats not where this story ends; after that talk Id hear from him every now and then but time moved on and so did we.

I eventually started seeing someone who I was pretty crazy about. Crazy enough to take a plane to surprise them outside their gate just to ask them to be girlfriend, AND then turn around and fly right back home a couple hours later haha
LIKE DAMN WHEN WILL SOMEONE DO THAT FOR ME!?!?
SO, I go out to DC with her for one of her shows (she is a musician as well)
I CANT HELP THE OCCUPATION OF THE PEOPLE IM AROUND GUYS
ANYWAYS, guess who is also playing on the same show?! anyone? anyone? YUP. you guessed it…. So here I am at this show with this person I’ve spent the past week falling in love with and also THERE is the ghost who haunts my heart. WHO I NEVER EVEN HAD THE CHANCE TO MEET BC SHIT HIT THE FAN. OH MY LIFEEEEEE. AND WHAT AM I 16? lolz

I see his dressing room, across from where our room was, so I decide to text him and tell that Im there incase we see eachother in passing or something. I quickly briefed her on the situation so that she wasn’t in the dark about it. Up until then I had never even mentioned him to her. I do believe I made things sound less extreme when filling her in, but I guess at the time I didn’t feel the need to tell every detail. I didn’t want her to worry or think that there was something more bc at the time I was crazy about her. But, there was this part of me that really wondered how many times I walked under the ladder, spilled the salt or broke that goddamn mirror. There was a part of me that wondered why the universe was fucking with me. We met outside to say hello. I felt completely winded. I kept it short as I didn’t wanna be disrespectful to my relationship but this hello and goodbye was so bittersweet. Seeing him for the first time and after everything. He asked me if I wanted to drink some coffee and talk. I wanted to. Id be lying if I said I didn’t want to. But I declined.

Shortly after I received a text message from him. Telling me all the things I wanted to hear long before that day. It all made me smile, again all so bittersweet. He is a man with class. I truly believe there is not anyone like him and thats so not like me to say, trust that. If he reads this, he probably didn’t even realize I held him in such high regard. I’m not good at telling people those kind of things..I’m better at writing it I guess.

Now we are friends, we keep in touch, and I’ve been to a few of his shows. Nothing feels weird between us it just is what it is. Actually pretty recently he told me he just wanted me to know nothing was ever bullshit and I played a pretty heavy role in his life during that time.
I think we both have a high level of respect and care for each other. I’ve grown since and came to alot of self realizations and I’m just happy he and I can remain friends.

I don’t know if theres a moral to this story, if there is maybe I haven’t uncovered it yet. The universe works in mysterious ways.

Lifes weird

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