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You make me feel every single emotion there is to feel; when I thought I was numb.
You kill me and then somehow bring me back to life, just to do it all over again.
I wanna crack you and put all the pieces back together.
I want you to question me and push me away, just to pull me back in.
I wanna know the real you. The you that you hide.
I want you to want to know me. The real me.
I wanna tear down your walls and earn your trust.
I wanna clear your doubt.
I wanna be your outlet.
Your go to.
I wanna know you feel.
I wanna know that my gut never lied.
I don’t wanna feel like its time to go.
I don’t wanna go.
I wanna wait.
You test my patience, but I’ll still wait.
I’ve been at my moms for over a week now and I’m surprised I’ve not pulled all of my hair out. Normally when I come here I have intentions of lasting over a week but never make it that far. It’s difficult to visit because I got myself out of this situation a long time ago, and when I’m here I feel like a child again. I have flashbacks. The energy is just really bad. However this trip has been surprisingly positive. I’m not sure how my mom lives like this. She lives a very sad depressing life. She has a hospital bed in a small room in my grandmas little trailer. She’s been in the process of building a tiny house, but it’s been post poned on being finished because someone took advantage of her situation, took her money, and didn’t do the job. She’s on a fixed income and for that the building process is being done in increments. I’ve done as much as I could. She sits between those four walls without much will for anything.
My mom was in the hospital which was my reason for coming up here. Most of you know by now she is disabled and doesn’t really have anyone. My sister was her caretaker after I moved away and since she’s been in prison mom’s just kind of been lost. Speaking of my sister, I got to visit her last week. Not only did I get to see her but I got to take my niece, her daughter, to see her for the first time. It had been 3 years since they got to see each other.
My niece is 13 and at that weird age. I know she was excited to see her mom but shes alot like her aunt in the sense that she hides her emotions. It was really great to see their interactions. I try to be the best aunt I can be, someone for Des (my niece) to look up to, confide in, trust. A motherly figure but also a friend. Since the day she was born that girl and I have been close and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. It breaks my heart knowing Ashley (my sister) is missing out on these crucial years in Destyni’s life. Those years a young lady needs her mother. She’s such a bright, beautiful little lady.
Well, Ash looked very well, better than shes looked in years. She was moved to a different institute since the last time I visited her. This one is much more lenient, and is settled in the mountains with beautiful views. She is much happier there and if she continues with good behavior in a year and a half or so she will move levels and be able to get day visits home and be able to have a normal job outside of the prison, which she is looking forward to. It’s crazy to think shes been locked up for this long. Drugs can really ruin lives, man. My sister always had a huge heart and was always a good person. Her downfall was always wanting to be accepted and loved, at whatever cost. I am a believer in second chances. Second chances are so important, we all make mistakes and we all deserve a chance to make them right. (within reason)
Im so excited for her and her life after prison. I hope I am in a position to help her in 3 years, when shes released. She still has so much life to live even after being insitutionalized after 7 years. It’s weird how her and I are the closest weve ever been now, after all of this.
She doesn’t get visitors often. In fact, she didn’t have one until after being in for a year and a half. With mom being disabled she can’t just pick up and go and I’m out of state, but I try to visit when I can.
We had to cram as much as we could into the 2 and a half hours we had.
Some of the girls formed a band and the warden finally approved them to put on a little concert. My sister sings and she was so excited to tell me about it. I learned how shes taught herself to play guitar since shes been in, on the allowed 2 hours a week. She inspired me to learn to play as well..TBC haha
She also shared some of her prison beauty tips and ways to stay sane.
I don’t know if any of you have any family members in jail or prison but if you do, you know there are alot of highs and lows. If you don’t, just appreciate the fact that youre able to touch and hug your loved ones.
Fuck, I can’t wait til she gets out and we can be a family again.
I really hope my mom is alive to see it.
I have so much faith in her to turn her life around.
Ps. BEAUTY TIPS FOR ALL MUH LADIES hahaha
Mascara- Ink pen & hair gel
Lip plumper- icy hot vaseline
Coffee for contour
She told me she was gonna grind mica to make highlighter hahaha
Received this in a text the other day; brought a tear to my eye.
You ever wonder how one sees you?
I have never met anyone quite like her before. In fact, I have never seen anyone quite like her before. She is dark and fiery, cold and mysterious, warm and bright. She is one part elegance and one part cut throat. She will eat your heart out and then hand it back to you.
Physically, she is a blessing to the eyes. But she is so much more than that. Mentally, she is a twisted maze full of intellectual depth.
Spiritually, her energy is vibrant and free, although she is a slave to herself. At times she is passionate and focused, while other times she is insecure and unsure.
All she wants is everything and nothing at the same time. I have known her for a short period, but long enough to figure out she wants to be loved, but she doesn’t want to be hurt.
She wants to succeed but she fears failure.
She must realize that without one there is no possibility of the other. Mistakes are enevitable, no matter how large or small. She must realize that she cannot be perfect, she can only be real.
She inspires me.
Underneath the shield and wall she has built for herself, there is a humble woman full of grace and poise.
I want to tap into the deepest, darkest parts of her mind and set her free. I admire every inch of her being.
(I apologize in advance for the direction of this entry being all over the place. My emotions and mind are all over the place today)
Despite what I’ve told myself, despite this wall I’ve built, I’m scared. I’ve spent a great deal of my life in fear. Youd think after overcoming turmoil and hardships your whole life it would make you somewhat “fearless” right? Inside this steel exterior I am a scared 12 year old little girl. Not to say that I am not a strong bad ass individual, bc oh yes I am that indeed. But lets be real, lets be really fuckin real here, because these days theres nothing to hide. I’ve lost everything, I’ve got nothing else to lose.
All I want to do is be real, tell my story, let that wall down and be vulnereable in hopes to use my mistakes to lead someone on the right path.
The only peace I’ve ever known is helping others and thats 100% truth.
I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere. Im not good at much (except messing things up I’m really good at that) The only thing I am good at is feeling, even though I don’t always embrace those feelings (as much as I pretend to be an emotionless dark creature from the unknown) I have zero special talents. Not much family and a handful of real friends. I’ve made poor choices and have fucked up enough times to last me a lifetime.
I’ve spent the better part of my life not knowing who I was, or where I want to go. I’ve just always known who I don’t want to be and where I don’t want to go.
Have you ever felt something so strong, and you knew it in your heart, you knew what you had to do, but you couldn’t find the strength to do so? My battle has been a tough one. Stripped of all confidence, completely mentally drained, with the weight of failure on your shoulders every day.
What the fuck have I been doing? What the fuck have I been so scared of? Once youve been to hell, you’ve felt it and know it exists, the fear should subside.
Sometimes you need a push, just alitte something to know someone believes in you, backs you, wants you to succeed. Gain some confidence. I’m only human afterall.
Now I know what I have to do. I’m scared, I’m terrified to say the least, but ain’t nobody gonna walk this walk for me.
Time to lace up the boots.
Tortured soul. The weak who are strong. The beaten and the damned.
Why am I drawn towards you when I know how this has to be? So tempted to touch the flame.
You are me and I am you.
How do you have me smiling when I’m still so sad?
I’ve seen you somewhere before, in another life, at another time.
But things then were just as they are now. You were not mine to hold, to say goodnight to, to wake up to.
My shoulders are getting heavy again, my brain is shutting down but the grin on my face remains.
If for one second I could make your day brighter, make your load little lighter, then I think I guess the universe has done its job.
So unattached to worldly things, worldly beings. Going through the motions. Idk about you but I just want to feel. Good, bad, happy, sad. Make me feel.
The feeling of numbness is not enough for me. Give me Lana’s summertime sadness, or shiny happy people, something.
#NerdyBashBros is pleased to announce our first special guest, The Mysterious, Scorching Hot, Zahra Schreiber!! We are so stoked and thankful that she will be joining us on our podcast on Feb 6th! So stay tuned people. This is going to be a fun episode!