(I apologize in advance for the direction of this entry being all over the place. My emotions and mind are all over the place today)
Despite what I’ve told myself, despite this wall I’ve built, I’m scared. I’ve spent a great deal of my life in fear. Youd think after overcoming turmoil and hardships your whole life it would make you somewhat “fearless” right? Inside this steel exterior I am a scared 12 year old little girl. Not to say that I am not a strong bad ass individual, bc oh yes I am that indeed. But lets be real, lets be really fuckin real here, because these days theres nothing to hide. I’ve lost everything, I’ve got nothing else to lose.
All I want to do is be real, tell my story, let that wall down and be vulnereable in hopes to use my mistakes to lead someone on the right path.
The only peace I’ve ever known is helping others and thats 100% truth.
I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere. Im not good at much (except messing things up I’m really good at that) The only thing I am good at is feeling, even though I don’t always embrace those feelings (as much as I pretend to be an emotionless dark creature from the unknown) I have zero special talents. Not much family and a handful of real friends. I’ve made poor choices and have fucked up enough times to last me a lifetime.
I’ve spent the better part of my life not knowing who I was, or where I want to go. I’ve just always known who I don’t want to be and where I don’t want to go.
Have you ever felt something so strong, and you knew it in your heart, you knew what you had to do, but you couldn’t find the strength to do so? My battle has been a tough one. Stripped of all confidence, completely mentally drained, with the weight of failure on your shoulders every day.
What the fuck have I been doing? What the fuck have I been so scared of? Once youve been to hell, you’ve felt it and know it exists, the fear should subside.
Sometimes you need a push, just alitte something to know someone believes in you, backs you, wants you to succeed. Gain some confidence. I’m only human afterall.
Now I know what I have to do. I’m scared, I’m terrified to say the least, but ain’t nobody gonna walk this walk for me.
Time to lace up the boots.
Tortured soul. The weak who are strong. The beaten and the damned.
Why am I drawn towards you when I know how this has to be? So tempted to touch the flame.
You are me and I am you.
How do you have me smiling when I’m still so sad?
I’ve seen you somewhere before, in another life, at another time.
But things then were just as they are now. You were not mine to hold, to say goodnight to, to wake up to.
My shoulders are getting heavy again, my brain is shutting down but the grin on my face remains.
If for one second I could make your day brighter, make your load little lighter, then I think I guess the universe has done its job.
So unattached to worldly things, worldly beings. Going through the motions. Idk about you but I just want to feel. Good, bad, happy, sad. Make me feel.
The feeling of numbness is not enough for me. Give me Lana’s summertime sadness, or shiny happy people, something.
#NerdyBashBros is pleased to announce our first special guest, The Mysterious, Scorching Hot, Zahra Schreiber!! We are so stoked and thankful that she will be joining us on our podcast on Feb 6th! So stay tuned people. This is going to be a fun episode!
We have another talent announcement for Saturday in Ave Maria, Florida. Making not only her REAL Pro debut but her return to the state of Florida, Zahra! Find out why she’s here Saturday!
Every morning brings a new day and every night I get alittle more sleep. I’m starting to realize, to uncover, now that you are gone. Your ways are cowardly and your deep need for admiration makes my stomach roll. Your back bone has deteriated and soft skin is all that you are. What makes a person is their integrity, their heart and their will. Where did yours go? Your pedastal has collapsed and my heart has combust. My chest no longer hurts as I can breathe.