I haven’t written in awhile and I’m sorry for that. I could say it’s because I’ve been too busy but honestly I just haven’t felt inspired to write until today.
Not really sure why I’m feeling this, this burst of emotional energy. Especially since I’ve been in a very weird emotional state. Right now I’m feeling this high vibrancy, but I’ll take feeling this over feeling nothing at all. Usually when I write I know the topic or basis of what I am writing, but not tonight. It’s 2:43 am and I just want to put my feelings on paper. Fuck man, it’s so insane what a roller coaster life is. All of us have ups and downs, some are higher and some are lower than others but essentially we are all on this, or in this together.
As I sit here and think about life and people and the few that I have in mine it makes me think how drawn I am to those who have overcame hardships. I mean, people who really know life, who really know obstacles and suffering. Those strong ones with scars and stories to tell. Those who have cried and fucked up. Those who have made mistakes, came from broken homes, dealth with depression or suicide, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse. Those who aren’t perfect. Those who decided the cycle would end with them. Those like me. Those are my fucking people.
A few months back when I was out with Fozzy we had a gig in Pittsburgh. I seldomly have time on tour to fuck off in the cities but I just so happened to have an hour or so to myself, I took off to explore alittle bit.
At that point, I didn’t realize how rewarding that day would be.
First I met a charming young lad who went by the name of Dog. Dog was sitting on the side walk selling his mixed tape which in reality was an old JLO cd. He was a really funny clever dude. I ended up talkin to him for awhile, purchased his mix tape, bought him lunch and was on my way. As I was returning back to the bus I noticed a lady and her pup sitting outside the bus on the sidewalk. I immediately went inside the little grocery mart and grabbed her pup some dog food and asked her if I could buy her lunch. She accepted so I went to a pizza place right next door and bought her a pizza and some dessert. The pizza had a 15 minute wait so I went back outside to chat with her for a bit. I sat on the ground next to her so we could be at same eye level. At first I just asked her name and where she was from. We talked about the pup and how she hadn’t had him long and about her abusive boyfriend who expected her to be out in the street panhandling while he slept. I really wanted to know about this lady who was not much older than me, but looked like she was in her late 40’s. How did life bring her here to this point? What all had she seen or done? I could have very easily ended up in her situation, how come I didn’t? Turns out, Shelly had been homeless since 8 years old. She was part of an underground child sex worker ring and was placed in an abusive foster home. She showed me the burn marks all over her arms from the cigarettes that were put out on her. She ran away from her foster home at 13 and quickly began to prostitute. I told her alittle bit about me, my childhood and shit I’ve went through. I wanted her to know I can relate to her on some sort of level. This woman was worn out and beat down but she had her senses about her. I wanted to shield her from all the hurt and pain she had ever felt. I wanted to pick up the pieces of whatever was left of her and put them back together. I wanted to tell that little girl that she was going to be okay, but I couldn’t. I cried, she cried. At this point I was sitting on the ground with her, I was still in the clothes I slept in because I hadn’t even loaded in yet, and I had no makeup on, the public around us assumed that I was homeless too, making me feel less of a human with their eyes. Her clothes were filthy so I walked over to the bus to get my suitcase out of the bay so that I could give her a couple of clean shirts. I was approached by a man who saw me next to her, he made a rude comment implying I was stealing and told me to get a job. Boy did I get an apology from him.
After that I walked over to grab her pizza and decided to go back into the grocery mart to get her a few things to take with her. Apparently the clerk was outside smoking and overheard my conversation with the man and told me I had inspired him. What a fucking feeling that was. Thats what life is about, inspiring and helping other people. At that point I had to get back to work so I dropped everything off to her and said my goodbyes. As I was leaving she said “Thank you for this. I haven’t felt like a human, like a real person in so long, thank you for treating me like one” I could not hold back the tears.
I wonder about her often and I hope wherever she is she is safe and her stomach is full.
Later on after I loaded into the venue I walked to the bus and noticed that outside the grocery store there was a box of food that the store clerk I had talked to earlier put out for the homeless to take. I was so fucking happy seeing that. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO BE. ASPIRE TO INSPIRE.
My heart was so full.