(I apologize in advance for the direction of this entry being all over the place. My emotions and mind are all over the place today)
Despite what I’ve told myself, despite this wall I’ve built, I’m scared. I’ve spent a great deal of my life in fear. Youd think after overcoming turmoil and hardships your whole life it would make you somewhat “fearless” right? Inside this steel exterior I am a scared 12 year old little girl. Not to say that I am not a strong bad ass individual, bc oh yes I am that indeed. But lets be real, lets be really fuckin real here, because these days theres nothing to hide. I’ve lost everything, I’ve got nothing else to lose.
All I want to do is be real, tell my story, let that wall down and be vulnereable in hopes to use my mistakes to lead someone on the right path.
The only peace I’ve ever known is helping others and thats 100% truth.
I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere. Im not good at much (except messing things up I’m really good at that) The only thing I am good at is feeling, even though I don’t always embrace those feelings (as much as I pretend to be an emotionless dark creature from the unknown) I have zero special talents. Not much family and a handful of real friends. I’ve made poor choices and have fucked up enough times to last me a lifetime.
I’ve spent the better part of my life not knowing who I was, or where I want to go. I’ve just always known who I don’t want to be and where I don’t want to go.
Have you ever felt something so strong, and you knew it in your heart, you knew what you had to do, but you couldn’t find the strength to do so? My battle has been a tough one. Stripped of all confidence, completely mentally drained, with the weight of failure on your shoulders every day.
What the fuck have I been doing? What the fuck have I been so scared of? Once youve been to hell, you’ve felt it and know it exists, the fear should subside.
Sometimes you need a push, just alitte something to know someone believes in you, backs you, wants you to succeed. Gain some confidence. I’m only human afterall.
Now I know what I have to do. I’m scared, I’m terrified to say the least, but ain’t nobody gonna walk this walk for me.
Time to lace up the boots.